so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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