I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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