I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
