Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
