The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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