I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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