I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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