mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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