Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I came so hard my ears popped.
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