The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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