There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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