Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
And then my night got REAL pukey
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
