Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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