I'm so fucking centered right now
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
