He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
