the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Randomize
