her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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