If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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