The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
