you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
