god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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