At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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