there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just cropdusted the office
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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