My Higher Power is John Stamos
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
