Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
