I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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