Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
