he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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