Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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