In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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