when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
