So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
