I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
accomplished twins. life is a go
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
