so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
