his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
