last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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