My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
