Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
