hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
