Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
