he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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