dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
