wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
