I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
