I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
