Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
