I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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