I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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