Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
