dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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