why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize