I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
