Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
