i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
