and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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