Redeem this text for a blowjob
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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