I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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