I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
ok first of all what the fuck
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
